Copyright © 2009 by A Grieving Mother and Survivorship. All rights reserved.
You may print out one copy for use in your own healing.
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Grandmother Not!
A Grieving Mother
I didn’t discover that I was a survivor of ritual abuse until I was almost fifty years old and the knowledge turned my world upside down. Everything that I had always known was not as I thought it was. I realized that the life that I believed I was leading was far from reality. I grieved over actual losses but more over what might have been. I also grieved over what I knew I had done and what I might have done. I spent years in therapy getting to the core issues and my relationships and unexplained fears and pain.
In the process I discovered a loving Jesus that helped me through it all. He was there to comfort and forgive and welcome me back into fellowship with Him. I believed that He raised Lazarus from the dead and He showed me how to raise up all the little ones inside that had been asleep or buried and brought them back to life! He made me whole. This was an awesome and a joyous experience! Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
When I realized the extent of evil of ritualistic abuse, the only antidote was God. I was amazed at how the satanic influence worked so hard to destroy my faith in Jesus. But they lost and I was set free!
In the process I terminated relations with my family of origin – siblings, aunts, uncles, parents, cousins, etc. It took a while to understand how one person could be both “good” and “evil.” I tried to rationalize and then I looked clearly at the situation. When reality set in, I felt like an orphan, but better to be orphaned than to associate with them and claim them as family. Yet they never gave up. Several attempts were made to kill us but the kidnapping plans went wrong; Jesus protected us. My survival depended on Jesus’ protection and my deliberate separation from “family.”
Then I realized that this was a cult; no one is ever supposed to leave, and if you manage to leave, they want the children. I grieved when I discovered that our children had been ritualistically abused. I had always been hypervigilant when they were young children, but I still could not protect them, because another alter had been called out and I was amnesiac. I never knew this until they were able to remember and reveal the horrible truth. We all worked hard in therapy to integrate.
I would never have changed the fact that we had children, but this is a curse that has been passed down to the seventh generation of those who choose a satanic god. I grieve over what I may have done and what I did in an altered state of consciousness. I have asked my children for forgiveness and I have also asked Jesus for His forgiveness.
When one of my children became a parent, I came face to face with reality. I was not talking to the one we had raised but another who is very angry at me, and could easily become physically violent. We worked overtime to help get things ready for the baby but buying crib, changing table, cloths, car seat, diapers etc was all in vain. I realized all that was not enough and I could not do anything right. Bottom line, Mom, you are not wanted or needed.
I believe an alter came out that hates me for what happened and, of course, only has some of the correct information. After having given all, I was then told I needed an attitude adjustment or I wouldn’t see my grandchild again. . . .This sounded so like the familiar double bind.
I grieve that I could not have handled the alter differently at that time, but was too taken back to act instead of reacting. Thinking back, I “knew” I was talking to someone else but I didn’t want to admit it. I thought all this was all in the past.
It is my greatest desire for my children to be set free, as I have been. I now have to stay away and let go and let Jesus work in their lives. If they choose to ask for help, Jesus is willing to fight the battle and He will win. I grieve for the family, and I grieve for us. If indeed the family chooses not to go this route, then I need to distance myself, as I did with my original family of origin. This loss and grief is as great as if it would have been a physical death. Jesus can and will win, but in my experience, I needed to be willing to trust Him totally. Today I am trusting Him for a miracle! .